Big Apple to Big D

The wonders of the Great State of Texas really never cease to amaze me. With its burgeoning arts scene, an increasing number of great restaurants and bars, and more money to spend on nice cars than people really know what to do with, Dallas in particular is lovely yet perplexing. Why am I waxing philosophical about TGSoT under the header “Dallas Stampede”? I’ll get there.

As you may know, the AAC is just a short walk from my front door. So far, I have been there to see a couple of hockey games and a basketball game. Dallas is a great sports town, and I’ve enjoyed going to the games. The venue itself is well-appointed and comfortable, and care has been taken to make sure that the views from the seats are generally decent. This past weekend, I went to the AAC for a wholly different event: the rodeo.

My two friends and I arrived about 40 minutes late (due to the car-buying process taking a while. I am now mobile in this city). We got some beer and peanuts and headed to the upper ring where our tickets granted us general admission. We found seats on just above the chutes and were surprised to see sheep out on the dirt. The sheep were being wrangled by a collie. The collie was being ridden by a monkey. Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey.

If you’re anything like me – that is, easily amused – this is an awesome prospect. Now, the dog was doing all the work, and I’m pretty sure ol’ Whiplash was just hanging on for dear monkey life. The act was winding down and the announcer told us about the finale. Whiplash had already wrangled the five sheep into a small rope circle. He was now going to corral them behind their small metal trailer. Each sheep then goes up a ramp onto the top of the hitch, where they would then drop down through a door in the trailer roof and be driven off to thunderous applause.

Whiplash, in his red suit and white, managed to get the sheep toward the trailer. A farmhand had setup the ramp and the sheep, simple as they are started up it as Whiplash and his mount directed them. The ramp is narrow and the sheep have to go one at a time. The first one made it up and dropped into the trailer as the second was close behind. As the third sheep charged up it, the ramp came off and the poor animal smacked headlong into the back of the trailer while the following sheep careened into the back of her and they all panicked. The collie managed to get them all up as the ramp was reset, but it made for some interesting rodeo-ing.

Next up was some saddle- and bareback-bronc riding. On the bucking bronco, the rider must continually spur the shoulders of the horse, requiring the cowboy to lean way back. Most of the riders wear a strange neck guard to prevent whiplash as they lie across the back of the horse. It gives them the appearance of someone about to sleep on an airplane.

After the bronc events (which, truthfully, don’t hold a candle to bull-riding) was something called “mutton busting”. Mutton busting basically serves to answer the question “How the fuck do you get into riding wild animals for a living?” In mutton busting, children (most of whom seem to be the sons and daughters of cowboys), don vests and hockey helmets, grab onto a sheep, and hold on for dear life. They are scored quickly over the PA, though it’s more for them to get a sense of accomplishment for not having died at the hands of a reasonably stupid animal. As the event progresses, the sheep collect near a handler at the far end of the rodeo floor once they have spilled their rider. So, after a few rounds, there are several sheep standing together. They instinctively go to one another, so as the flock grows, the released sheep-with-rider start careening towards the others, often with hilarious results as the sheep with the human baggage often crashes into the others or hits the brakes, sending the youngster flying. I have to say, the kids loved it. Not a tear was shed.

The winner was a little red-headed kid who, after hanging on past the buzzer, got bucked off and tumbled over onto his back. He lay still for a moment while we all thought he was hurt. Then, he started doing snow-angels in the dirt. Dirt-angels. The kid couldn’t have been more than 7 or 8 and there he was, showboating for the crowd of thousands. Below is a video of some mutton bustin, courtesy of YouTube user jkewish.

Finally, we got to the bull-riding. I went to the PBR event at MSG this past winter with my brothers and we vowed to go every chance we could. Bull-riding is so much better than bronco because, well, the chances of death are far higher. Bulls are bigger, meaner, and better equipped to perforate humans.

This particular bull-riding was pretty quiet. Only one cowboy managed to stay put for eight seconds in the final round. However, one cowboy got tossed pretty soon out of the gate and the rodeo clowns swooped in (sadly, the clowns were not dressed as clowns). As the bull neared the downed rider, one of the clowns tried to direct the beast away. However, being a one-ton animal with a rope around its manhood, it was not having any of that. It lowered its head and got under the poor clown, lifting him. As he was now mostly prone across the bull’s head, the clown was pretty helpless. While kicking the now-fetal-positioned rider, the bull then threw the clown up in the air.

Have you ever seen Michael Jordan dunk in slow-motion? It’s amazing. Just when you think he’s going to start his descent back to earth, he just keeps elevating. Rising and rising. That’s what this was like. This poor bastard was easily eight feet in the air. On the jumbotron replay, he went OUT OF THE FRAME. Had I been down on the dirt and not messing my shorts, I could have walked right underneath his airborne self and passed by untouched. The clown landed fairly unpleasantly on his side. I think he was mostly winded, but he basically just fell nearly ten feet squarely on his ribcage. He walked away and wasn’t gored, so it was the highlight of the night.

$30 got me:

• one (1) sheep crash
• about seven (7) children falling off sheep, with apparent parental consent
• one (1) airborne rodeo clown

It was well worth it.

Mutton Bustin'!